


I Only Did What I Thought was Truly Right

by cybergirl614



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Emotional Sam, Five Finger Death Punch - Freeform, Gen, Grieving Sam, Guilt, Guilty Sam, Heavy Angst, Look At Your Life Look At Your Choices, POV Sam Winchester, Remember Everything, Remorse, Sam Needs Forgiveness, Sam-Centric, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Unresolved Emotional Tension, bad memories, spoilers for season 10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-01 18:49:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4030735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cybergirl614/pseuds/cybergirl614
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Contains Spoilers for Season 10<br/>Sam retreats to his car when the atmosphere becomes too crushing with the guilt and anger between Dean and himself over his role in their friend's death and the consequences of removing the Mark.  But even there, he finds no solace in being alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Only Did What I Thought was Truly Right

Sam cranked his car, sitting back tiredly in the driver’s seat as the engine came to life. The radio turned on, registering somewhere in his crowded consciousness that the rock station he’d had on when he’d last been driving apparently wasn’t all classic rock, because some sort of suspiciously modern ballad had come on. 

“Dear mother, I love you. I’m sorry, I wasn’t good enough. Dear father, please forgive me. ‘Cause in your eyes, I just never added up…” 

The sweeping strains filtered out, but Sam was a little too exhausted to bother turning it off, vaguely aware it was playing in the background. But his mind was too noisy to really hear it, or for him to even really care. He was in the car mainly to get away from Dean, that look, and that heaviness, which had refused to leave his chest. Still out here, as he tried to bask in the heat coming from the vents, the warmth failed to do anything for his mind or his heart. 

“In my heart, I know I failed you. But you left me here alone. If I could hold back the rain, would you numb the pain? ….” 

Pain. Out of the entire line, the one word registered, and he vaguely reflected that the musician who wrote it, nor the DJ playing it, didn’t have the slightest clue just how applicable the word was to what was broiling within him at this moment. It threatened to burst from his chest, an aching, burning sob that he’d squirreled away but now insisted to be let out. 

“Dear sister, please forgive me. I only did what I thought was truly right.”

Sam couldn’t hold it in anymore. It came streaming down his face, his eyes burning as he finally sobbed. Charlie, Dean. What had he done? She was dead. Dead, lying stabbed through in that bathtub at the hand of the Stein brother, with the blade Sam had given her to defend herself. He shuddered at the memory as it flickered across the inside of his eyelids. And he was in part to blame. And what about Dean? The Mark was gone, but what had they done? At what cost? Exhaustion sapped at what had once been unshakable resolve. What had he done? Could he sit back and watch the world burn for what he’d done to save his brother? And could he face him, the one man who could place the blame on his shoulders, whose opinion, as twisted as it often was, still had the power to gouge open decades-old wounds that should have long ago healed?

 

“It’s a long and lonely road when you know you walk alone…” 

He sobbed openly now, choking on what came welling up. Images, thoughts, feelings, the hopelessness, the regret. He drowned in them. 

“I feel like running away I’m still so far from home. You say that I’ll never change but what the fuck do you know? I’ll burn it all to the ground before I let you down. Please forgive me…. “ 

Dean’s pleas the night before echoed in his mind, the welts from the punches still stinging under his fingertips as he traced the places the blows had landed. God. What had they done? What had he done? 

He squared his shoulders, opening his eyes to look at himself in the mirror in the visor. He wasn’t the frightened kid anymore, not the frightened kid that had tried to lose himself when he ran away with Dean on the hunt when Jess had died, or the desperate brother trying to sell his soul to get Dean back. He’d seen Hell, he’d faced so many monsters of others’ creation. Now he faced one of his own mistakes. No, running was over, he realized, terror mounting at the idea. What options were left? Face it, or…what? He wasn’t even sure, but then it might not matter so much. It was a demon of his making. He had to be the one to face it, right?

 

“If we could start again would that have changed the end?....” Sam turned the car off, getting out as the rain began to pour around him. 

He had to go back in, as awful as it was. He had to face Dean, admit his role in what he’d done. Nothing was going to change without that. And Dean deserved, and Charlie deserved at least that effort. And so much more. Maybe it wouldn’t change anything, but…he had to try. 

The refrain echoed in his head as he went to the door.

“We remember. Everything.”

**Author's Note:**

> The lyrics are from Remember Everything by Five Finger Death Punch. I don't own the lyrics, or anything to do with Supernatural. I'm just a fan who's a little too obsessed and found the commonality of emotion too compelling to let go without writing something. I'd have made a video except I'm video inept. So if anybody reading this wants to try, please please go for it, and let me know when you're done!


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